I've been talking about using different biometrics for sex toys for years now. But I have to say, I had never thought about it for teach people the move (remember: counter clockwise swirl but only at the end).

But that's exactly what the Time to Squirt watch is. An accelerometer, some gesture detection algorithms, 3 LEDs, and a wrist are all you need to bring a woman to squirting orgasm.

Oh. Ok, I guess you also need a woman that's cool with you wearing a huge ass wrist watch that basically works like some sort of vaginal traffic light mechanism that you stare at while acting like your hand is a polytron and her genitals are a mouse. No seriously watch the video on the site.

Once you got all that then you're set to follow algorithms specifically tuned by MARCUS LONDON for making women squirt. Not that any of us have any clue who this man is, though the video makes him out to be a hand model for mittens made from moist humans.

So what probably happened is they strapped a wiimote to the dude's arm, recorded a few sessions, averaged across the axes, and now it's just doing gesture speed recognition. It's pretty much measuring that your hand is going up and down at the right rate within the right area. Engineers are pretty good at shit like this now.

Seems like they might be missing some metrics though. MARCUS LONDON says that the band guides both movement and force, but I'm not sure they've got EMG capabilities in that watch. That said, I hope the people behind the Myo Band are paying attention, because this could be a killer app for no one ever.

Sadly, I don't think there's actually a tourbillon in the watch. Hell, there's not even an watch in the watch. It's just the bare circuit board and 3 surface mount LEDs. It would've been pretty fucking swank if there was a watch in the watch though. Just imagine the conversations you could have when a stranger asks you what time it is and you have to explain why your watch smells that way.

I'm actually slightly impressed that it's only $89. It's probably a $2 circuit in a stock, bulk-ordered watch body, but since they made a porn guy use the word "algorithm" you'd figure they'd at least make it 3 digits. Also, if this ever goes patent pending, I may have a new favorite patent application.

I really want one just so I can use it on every day activities though. Knowing that I'm shaking a bottle of condiments or scratching a lottery ticket in a way that would make it squirt would really brighten my day.

While watches for helping bring women to squirting orgasms are a new invention, watches for helping bring men to squirting orgasms have been around since the invention of watches.

This little bit of Whorology (SEE WHAT I DID THERE) brought to you via Lux's Post on Boinkology